Hyperkult

This is my town.

I moved to Los Angeles believing it to be the veneered, cliché-ridden city portrayed by many a reality show: an alienating urban sprawl bathed in sunshine’s constant glow by day and the near-blinding glare of Sunset Boulevard’s LED lights by night; overrun by opportunists, It-Girls and Boys in the making; and justly spoken of with contempt by my Northern Californian counterparts. In short, I moved there expecting to hate it.

Surprisingly, the opposite proved true. I fell completely, disgustingly in love with the city, which transcended every stereotype unfairly slapped onto it and gave me a lovely life during my two-and-a-half year living stint. If you are looking for a culturally and morally vacuous Los Angeles it is easy enough to find, but you would be doing yourself a great disservice by believing that L.A. begins at X Hollywood hotspot and ends at Toast. Not that there’s anything wrong with eating at Toast. (See below.)

My departure from L.A. was the impetus for me writing this guide to some of the city’s best restaurants, bars, and coffee shops, a list that is by no means exhaustive. The city is wont to rapid and trend-driven turnaround, where a restaurant may be anointed “Must Eat/See-and-be-Seen At” one moment then unceremoniously fall off the radar once something newer and trendier opens. (Remember Dolce? No? It’s probably better that way.) This may not be the definitive L.A. handbook, but “this is my town” and these are some of my favorite things about it.

Click here for the full guide

Trosman A/W 2010 and S/S 2010; Photo credit: www.trosman.com

Generally I avoid shopping on Melrose for obvious reasons: Fairfax eastward is touristy, congested, and stores hawk kitschy stripper wear, while boutiques around Melrose Place are too expensive and don’t really appeal to my style anyway.

Wasteland is a Melrose exception, though my main gripes with the store—unlike its more vintage-oriented San Francisco counterpart—are that pieces tend to be overpriced and the designer selection very stereotypically L.A. (You’ll find no shortage of Corey Lynn Calter dresses or Mike & Chris cropped leather jackets, with wayward Juicy Couture items here and there.) And God forbid you try to sell pieces to Wasteland L.A., a notoriously difficult task that often results in would-be consigners being sent to Crossroads, rejected items in tow.

Bartering aside, if you dig—really dig—through the racks you’ll probably walk away with more than a few gems. Today I lucked out, mentally instructing myself to “put down the Margiela” at one point and discovering a new label during my trip.

Jessica Trosman is a Buenos Aires-based designer whose clothing is inspired by everything from National Geographic magazine to Mid-Century modern architects. After flipping through a few recent collections online, particularly the Autumn/Winter ones, I saw some Rick Owens/Haider Ackermann seeping into her work—and I approve. It’s nice to connect with a designer outside of the New York-Paris-London-Milan network; the colors and textures of her spring collections speak to a South American sensibility that I find refreshing and youthful.

My find was a simple racer-back tank that skims the body then flares out with loads of deconstructed ruching, a mere $35. Slim jeans and slouchy pirate boots and I’m good to go for my next show outing.

Trosman ad campaign; Photo credit: www.trosman.com

Va-Va-Vuitton; Photo credit: Style.com

If I could sum up Marc Jacobs’ Fall 2010 presentation for Louis Vuitton in one word, it would be “breasts.”

Fashion journalists and bloggers have been abuzz about Jacobs ushering in the “return of the curve” with dresses that Mad Men’s costumers should take note of. Waists nipped in by long belts and flared, A-line skirts dressed women of notably more shape than the usual crop of rail-thin models employed for runway shows. Though the latter had a presence at Vuitton, attention was showered on the heaving bosoms of Laetitia Casta and Adriana Lima (both new mothers), and model-turned-lingerie designer Elle Macpherson, the show’s queen bee in a voluminous pink strapless gown.

The clothes were indisputably gorgeous, hearkening back to one of my favorite ’50s-inspired Jacobs collections, that of Spring 2003, but done up with the exaggerated opulence that the House of Vuitton demands. Lately I’ve found myself trading minis for high-waisted, below-the-knee skirts and Mary Jane heels, and come fall I can see myself pairing them with cashmere (okay, faux cashmere) sweaters, new tortoise shell glasses*, and a vintage schoolgirl’s satchel that I really wish was Proenza Schouler’s PS1 bag.

Miuccia Prada’s Fall collection was also a celebration of shapeliness, a term I use with reserve. When reporters say “bigger” women graced the catwalk at Vuitton and Prada, they’re referring to models over a size 2. If these are diversity efforts, then we are eking toward variety at the slowest possible pace. My instincts tell me this is the best we can hope for at the moment, the swerve and bounce of these women’s figures labeled “radical” by an industry accustomed to denying difference—denying bodies—altogether.

But in Paris and Milan many of the collections themselves were glorious, leading me, a sun-worshipping Californian, to daydream about colder climates and donning nubby knee-high socks or Hannah MacGibbon’s rust colored turtleneck jumper for Chloé. Brilliant.

*Thanks to my friend Luisa of Free The Inspiration for introducing me to Warby Parker’s awesome glasses.

Proenza Schouler PS1 bag; Photo credit: Net-a-Porter

Prada and Chloé Fall 2010 RTW; Photo credit: Style.com

"Miles" Glasses; Photo credit: Warby Parker

The first strawberries of the season

I spent last weekend surrounded by rain-soaked vineyards in Napa, warmed by meals prepared in the localvore tradition that us Californians love. That is to say, simple, rustic, and dictated by market-fresh produce, paired with wines that left a lasting impression on both my tongue and psyche.

This all sounds silly if you view food in unromantic terms. Certainly food is fuel; I’m of the strong belief that what we put into our bodies is wildly important, as is knowing its provenance—the who, what, where, and how of its growth and delivery. Food also happens to be one of the few things which assaults multiple senses at once. I recall pink, falling-off-the-bone pieces of porky flesh nestled against a whipped cloud of potatoes at one meal; the deep, deep burgundy of an as-of-yet unlabeled wine spoke to its peppery richness before I took the first sip at Friday supper; caramelized baby root vegetables added bursts of orange and purple to my pasta dish at Bottega. Food stimulates; it beckons; it conjures meaningful memories; it taps into our hedonistic tendencies. For many women (and men, for that matter), myself included, food is/has been a source of great fear and anxiety at times. I know all too well what it is like to suffer an embattled relationship with food, a dynamic that persists but that I fight at every turn to overcome.

Dining among fellow “foodies” these anxieties fell away, replaced by slow and savory meals and conversations spoken in high-pitched Napa-ese. We discussed the merits of using Anjou versus Bartlett pears for fruit tarts, raved about the punch of a long-simmering duck ragu drizzled over pan-fried gnocchi, and drank to a comfortable buzz, not wretched intoxication.

I write about my Napa experience in light of two articles I recently read, one an essay written by model-turned-cookbook author Sophie Dahl in Vogue, the other a brief overview of Tamasin Day-Lewis’ Supper for a Song in ELLE. Dahl, once fetishized for being the “curvy girl” during her modeling days, much like Lara Stone (at a shocking size 4-6) is today, writes about being a fleshy deviant on and off the runway, and how an illness later robbed her of pounds but earned her the envy of women “tight-lipped in the face of a chocolate brownie.” Her new cookbook, Miss Dahl’s Voluptuous Delights, is a celebration of seasonal ingredients and the communion of feasting. Her essay was a profound personal reminder that, yes, food is fuel, but it is also a life source in the esoteric, spiritual sense.

The article about Day-Lewis (sister of Daniel, but a celebrity in her own right) spoke about her no-nonsense philosophy to cooking and eating: use quality, ethically-sourced ingredients and preparing delicious meals need not be cumbersome. Her Spanish Chicken with Saffron and Almond Sauce, pictured simmering in a gorgeous yellow stew, is a recipe I vow to try soon.

Is it a coincidence that these women, who, along with fridge-picking Nigella Lawson comprise a trinity of respected female food personalities, are British? In America we herald Giada De Laurentiis (who I spotted at Lou on Vine last week, apparently enjoying the pork candy) and—gulp—Rachael Ray as our culinary mavens. While I adore Giada, there is something unique about the sophistication, sexiness, and vivaciousness with which these British women celebrate food. Here in the U.S., we do it quick and so often get it wrong. Semi-Homemade my ass.

Yet, I understand the sad reality that eating the Alice Waters way is a financial impossibility for many families, not to mention a matter of access. This is why food politics matters: health is a human right, and food is a core component of this complicated issue.

As I explore what it means to properly nourish myself, I hope to take a page from the Sophies and Tamasins of the world. There is no pleasure like that of good food shared among good friends, nothing more sensual than that of seeing a woman who enjoys eating. Decadence and health are not mutually exclusive, though the diet industry makes money off of this schism.

Instead, I propose that we all be active, be mindful, and always relish the sacred act that is eating. Artisanal cheese affords great joy, I’m learning.

Related Links:

Food for Thought, Q&A with Sophie Dahl, Vogue.com

Chocolate Brownies à la Tamasin Day-Lewis (Video)

A cloudy view from Silverado Vineyards

Market fresh asparagus

Perfect pear crisp

Photo credit: Gauldo, via Flickr

Five words, together so ambiguous except to the handful of friends who actually know the real-life referents that bore this Facebook status update. On a screen cluttered with links to songs I like, articles I find interesting, a 10-comment-long thread on Coachella 2010, and a photo of the book I’m currently reading, the text gets lost—lost in a trash heap of social networking miscellany that is supposed to represent me, the person.

“Strange week in coffee shops.”

About every six months, I have a full-blown Facebook anxiety attack, during which time I try—and fail miserably—to stay away from the website, wondering why I feel the need to broadcast my hunger pains (”Desperately Seeking Soba”) and other absurd fragments that have no business being on the internet. I do not see how, on a site where information is dispatched with Bloomberg ticker rapidity, the lives of my 300-odd “friends” could be enhanced by seeing a picture of my birthday cake.

The idea of nurturing online friendships is another issue altogether. There are unspoken rules to using Facebook. For instance, if a friend “likes” your status, you duly repay them by commenting on a photo, or something adequately reciprocal. Perhaps this isn’t done on the same day, but within a week’s time should suffice so as not to bruise anyone’s ego. And who, exactly, should you let into your online clique? I’ve just spent the past 24-hours scrubbing my Friends list of people I never speak to, don’t know, can’t remember, and so on. Nearly 50 innocent souls were lost in the process (sorry, Alain Macklovitch and Dana Cowin), and that was only a very hurried first-run. I will quit for the time being, but watch out this summer, because you could be next.

I take issue with the ways in which the Internet intervenes in our lives, but moreso with my complicity in the process. I’m concerned that we’re inundated with information for the sake of information, and that nothing meaningful sticks. I’m concerned that my online behavior is sometimes a cry for social approval. I’m concerned that experience is devalued in favor of recording said experience. I’m concerned that it’s all a terrible farce.

Having deleted my Twitter account months ago, I wonder if I’ll ever have the fortitude to axe my Facebook account for good, too. The answer is probably “no,” because I, like fellow addicts (admitted or not), get voyeuristic fulfillment from seeing what my “friends”—always in scare quotes—are thinking, feeling, doing, and I give them the same in return. I enjoy seeing the tiny red notification flag pop up in the lower right-hand corner of my screen, as if I’m the fucking Sally Field of the web.

Facebook, web-specific news outlets (more like aggregating tools and platforms for punditry), and yes, blogs, too, all belong to a family of new media that I am as apprehensive about as I am an active agent in ensuring their survival. The moment I become overtly concerned I’m living out a Huxley novel, I banish the upsetting thoughts and status update (verb) that I’ve just seen Jason Bateman at my local Peet’s (four comments, six likes).

Maybe I’m a neo-Luddite, don’t “get it,” or am just hopelessly uncool. All I know is, I derive far more pleasure from taking the time to truly breathe, participate in and ingest the world around me rather than worrying that I’m missing out on an online world that is mainly meaningless noise.

I value those indescribably wonderful moments that can’t be reduced to 140-characters or less, the richness of real-life conversations that GChat’s paltry window can’t contain, sitting down with a real, ink-and-paper magazine filled with articles that writers labored over—not some repost of a post of a thing that was seen on a blog. I find the bright light of my laptop screen blinding and somewhat paralyzing at times, and not just because I had my eyes dilated this week.

If I were to status update right now, I would have but eight words:

The road to hell is paved with tweets.*

*Pretty sure I stole this from my friend Chas, but at least he’s getting credit on my blog.

Jane Birkin in all her bohemian glory

Note: I wrote half of this yesterday and the other half this morning after waking from a Bordelaise and butter coma. My actual birthday was the 9th, but posting today gave me the chance to include a couple things I wouldn’t have otherwise.

Today is my birthday, giving me permission to be unabashedly indulgent for one day, and one day only. Truth be told, I prefer that these 24-hours pass with little fanfare, which is why I’ve planned a quiet dinner with a few close girlfriends tonight.

Since I have a free pass to be self-serving, though, I’ll use it to share a few of my favorite things in—you guessed it—list form. There’s no binding thread among what follows, save for the fact that I’m really loving, wanting, listening, thinking about, and/or admiring them.

1. The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolaño

I recently read a description of this novel, about a crew of “visceral realist” poets on a madcap quest for an elusive literary heroine, that pegged it as Y tu mamá también meets Gabriel García Márquez. That’s somewhat accurate and perhaps complimentary, but also reductive. Unwieldy as its character threads may be, Bolaño’s writing is controlled and lyrically singular. The last time I felt this way about an author was when I picked up Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, which I now consider sacrosanct text. Only 200 pages in, and I can’t wait for the next 400.

2. The xx, “Intro”

The xx was on many a critic’s Top [insert number] list of 2009’s Most Notable Releases. I wasn’t convinced the first time I listened to the album, but I’ve since come to like the group’s self-titled debut and love “Intro,” its succinct opening track. It’s become one of those songs I stop midway, then jump back to the beginning because I don’t want it to end. Hypnotic and moody, just like I like ‘em.

Photo credit: LuisaViaRoma

3. Rick Owens Padded Leather Jacket

If I could make sweet, sweet love to an item of clothing, this would be it. After trying it on earlier this winter, I can attest to the fact that it fits perfectly and feels like a sumptuous second skin. Now, who has an extra $1,500 they can spare (and that’s on sale)?

Photo credit: Future Classics

4. Future Classics

When I first saw this draped dress in person, I believe my first words were, “this shit is ridiculous.” And it is—ridiculously beautiful, coupling femininity with layered and intricate figure-conscious cuts. I appreciate designer Julie Wilkins’ nod to vintage clothing and the deconstructive edge of each piece, especially. And who needs jeggings when you have sexy, buttoned, stirrup-like leggings like those above?

5. Style a la Jane Birkin

When I get dressed, I’m usually channeling Jane Birkin to some degree, or doggedly attempting to. While I may not be able to pull off the signature bangs, the high-waist jeans, square mini-dresses, and slouchy boyish/feminine look I can do. Pout not included.

Garance, left, and me, right, trying to tame my Canon Rebel XT (ignore the disgusting stained mirror)

6. Garance Doré

Photographer, illustrator, partner of Scott Schuman (a.k.a., The Sartorialist), and the French woman I secretly wish I was. She’s a woman of impeccable style, with an effervescence that comes across in photos and her playful musings about fashion. Devoid of pretense, Doré’s blog offers a refreshing and simultaneously erudite take on what’s happening on and off the runway.

Photo credit: Neiman Marcus

7. Chloé Eau de Parfum and Tom Ford Champaca Absolute

My grandmother on my mother’s side was a rigid disciplinarian who sold fish on the streets of Manila to provide for her family—far from being a fashion or beauty maven in the traditional sense. I only know her through stories my mother has told me, one of the more memorable anecdotes being that she was never without designer perfume. How the woman, who was partial to Nina Ricci and Chanel No. 5, managed to get her hands on high-end fragrances in the face of dire financial straits is equally confusing and impressive.

She passed her love of perfume down to my mom, who in turn cultivated the same appreciation in me. Growing up, I remember my mother smelling of Yves Saint Laurent’s Opium, Coco Chanel, and Jaipur, and my own taste tends toward forward florals and spicy aromas. At the moment, Chloé is getting the most play in my scent wardrobe (because I do indeed have a wardrobe, including Jo Malone’s Nectarine Blossom and Honey for bedtime), but Tom Ford’s Champaca Absolute is at the top of my wish list. Did I mention it’s my birthday today?

Photo credit: Neil Leifer

8. The Annenberg Space for Photography

Located on the same hallowed grounds as the CAA fortress building in Century City, the Annenberg Space for Photography is one of my favorite places to spend an afternoon in Los Angeles. I typically like to come here alone (more meditative), and I’ve seen every exhibit since it first opened last year. My favorite of the three rotating collections was themed around L.A. photographers/photojournalism, the work of Julius Shulman and Carolyn Cole being standouts for me. Best of all, visiting Annenberg is free; you’ll only have to pay a meager $1 parking fee post-validation. I visited the space today to see the Ioose/Leifer exhibit and left with a newfound appreciation for sports photography.

Mmm. Caramel icing.

9. Lark Cake Shop, Silverlake

As this is being written post-birthday celebration, I can include Lark on my list. My friend Frances, having heard me endlessly prattle on about wanting to sample the Caramel Cake from this adorable bake shop in Silverlake, surprised me by bringing it to dinner at Café Stella. It was as fantastic and moist as I imagined it, the sprinkle of Kosher salt in between layers of white cake and caramel icing subtly balancing out its sweetness.

Photo credit: The Louvre

10. Lists

My obsessive-compulsive love of organization was recently reinforced by a segment that aired on NPR. Famed Parisian museum the Louvre has unveiled an exhibit about “The Infinity of Lists,” curated in part by Italian writer Umberto Eco. Eco believes lists, even those as mundane as the phone book, can be “poetic” provided the correct intent is present. And that’s where this particular list ends.

Photo credit: Style Rookie

You’ve no doubt heard of Tavi, the 13-year-old wunderkind who belongs to a new garde of fashion writers: teen bloggers. She is as ubiquitous a front row staple as Anna Wintour; she counts the Mulleavy sisters as friends; she is a Pop magazine cover model. She’s a girl, not yet a woman, and let’s not forget that.

A self-professed “Style Rookie,” Tavi maintains a blog of the same name, but if we’re to believe her acutely fashion-literate entries, she’s nothing of the sort. That is, unless the Tavi phenomenon is an elaborate ruse in the same vein as J.T. Leroy. My impressions of Tavi are scattered, but I will cop to occasionally reading her blog and being curious about who this boffo, Rei Kawakubo-loving young lady is.

My issue is less with the wide-eyed aesthete herself than the world that has shepherded her transformation from anon to internet superstar. I wonder under what circumstances, for what purpose such a budding icon is constructed, and by many, revered. What is Tavi’s writing—which seesaws between hyper-mature and rambling tween-speak—teaching us? Have we accepted her as a legitimate expert (Bazaar has), or an avatar of the kind of 13-year-old us adult fashion lovers wish we were at her age—hell, even now?

I am both fascinated and unnerved by the rising Cult of Tavi. The fashion industry routinely turns out star designers, models and false gods, then carelessly discards of them when they are deemed unnecessary. How true Heidi Klum’s tagline rings. It’s admittedly youth and image obsessed (I’ll save the curious sexualization of teen models for another time), and Tavi-idolatry exaggerates these qualities. What this means for a young woman undergoing puberty alongside peers like Aggy and Hamish Bowles is concerning.

Just ask Tim Blanks, whose furrowed brow in Part One of Loic Prigent’s Habillees (several minutes in) says it all:

Wave to the future.

We call this "The Danger Zone"

As I sat huddled under a blanket next to my space heater, laptop screen aglow in the throes of early morning insomnia, it occurred to me that I have a problem. Sleeplessness is one thing, but worse yet is the dangerous form of online behavior that I’m wont to participate in. I don’t troll for anonymous sex partners on Craig’s List or play Texas Hold ‘Em at 3:00 AM, but my eBay Watch List consistently spirals out of control, virtually endless in number. Right now it’s bursting with items I want but don’t need, however I might find a way to justify that vintage Dior belly dance belt, Junya Watanabe cape sweater, mustard yellow Ungaro leather skirt, and on and on.

I vacillate between being ashamed and unabashedly proud of my eBay savvy—skills honed since my first triumphant win: a magenta Marc Jacobs Sofia bag, named after the fashionable Coppola and purchased for $410 all told. Riri zippers signaled its authenticity, it came in a pristine white duster, not a pen mark sullied its interior, and I snagged it for over 50 percent off retail. My hands were trembling in the aftermath of bidding, and I struggled to calm euphoric heart palpitations as I drove to my film class that evening.

Here I am five years later, even deeper in the dregs of my addiction. My retail taste tends toward vintage clothing, and most of my eBay finds end up being loved pieces I wear to the point of damaging them. My favorite vintage pirate boots ($30) are in the shop being resoled as I type this, along with a pair of early 2000s Costume National booties won for $41.99, including shipping. When I shared that tidbit with my local “shoe guy” he blanched, saying I had brought in “the Rolls-Royce of boots” as he caressed the smooth Italian leather, appraised for at least $500.

I am cocksure of my eBay intelligence, having near-perfected the art of last minute-bidding and winning without the aid of an auction sniper. Yet the shame of conspicuous consumption has a way of plaguing me, especially when I see how many items have been put on Watch in a single week. However, very few of these items end up in my closet—maybe one or two per month at most. I tell myself it’s more an exercise in judicious spending, and my way of preparing for the auctions that I will actually rearrange my schedule to win. It’s loathsome.

I wrote this with the hope of thinking more rationally about my behavior, to combat my need for that post-win elation. Make no mistake, eBay-ing can drive you to a hallucinatory state, hence its appeal. A concerned girlfriend recently, jokingly asked me what void I’m trying to fill with occasional impulse shopping, a question I gave serious thought yet couldn’t respond to. The easy answer would the empty spot in my closet soon-to-be occupied by a high-waisted wool Libertine skirt, if all goes well today. And so the cycle continues to turn, turn, turn.

On a final note, to novice users who pointlessly bid days in advance, I’d just like to say that you’re fucking things up for the rest of us.

The man, the myth, the legend: Tim Blanks; Photo credit: men.style.com

I credit my older sister, in part, for pointing me toward the wilds of fashion. This is the same sister who as a 13-year-old would write me letters about her occasional trips to Los Angeles, where she would eat at Georgia (Denzel Washington’s erstwhile restaurant venture) and shop at the Beverly Center—the pinnacle of consumer greatness for any teenager, be it a decade ago or today. “Georgia was popping off back then!” she said in defense when I reminded her of her ’90s romps through L.A.

On weekends, we’d forgo Saturday morning cartoons to watch back-to-back showings of Videofashion Weekly! and Fashion File, which introduced me to the schizoid backstage world of runway shows and the woman I still refer to as my “spirit model,” Christy Turlington. The two of us would lounge around in our pajamas, eating our grandmother’s thin, practically deep-fried pancakes while reviewing the latest collections and engaging in pseudo-intellectual shop talk about what the designers were putting out that season.

Fashion File trumped viewings of Pepper Ann, which made me feel infinitely cooler than my tween classmates, even though I was chubby and awkward and soon to be brace-ridden. Endearing, if a little austere, host Tim Blanks was our lifeline to Gianni Versace’s skintight bodysuits, Isaac Mizrahi at the height of his career, Tom Ford when he made Gucci synonymous with sex, and even long-lost casual wear king Todd Oldham—remember Todd Oldham?! For a sartorially-minded young thing, there was nothing like Fashion File, no one like our man Tim, no better way—save for reading Vogue—for a girl living in the black hole of suburbia to connect with a world far removed from a horribly bucolic quotidian. There were cows in my hometown, so I’m calling that bucolic.

The illustrious Mr. Blanks is no longer affiliated with Fashion File, and when I, on a whim, decided to see what had become of the show since his departure I came across one hell of a hot mess. Maybe it’s because I’m perpetually nostalgic these days (and I’m only 25, for Chrissake), but the show is a specter of what I remember it being as a teen. It delivers fashion coverage produced in the same vein as EXTRA. In a word, blah. There is an interesting segment on “A Day in the Life of Coco Rocha” on the homepage, but I think its appeal owes more to its jig-dancing subject than the way it was put together. And there’s of course no replacing Blanks, whose name I recently saw grace a few Runway Reviews during Style.com’s coverage of London Fashion Week. Good to know he’s still out there rubbing shoulders with Amazonian models and eccentric designers.*

I found a clip from Fashion File’s heyday on YouTube. Watch and be reminded of the show’s former greatness.

*Update: Most of this paragraph should have been written in the past tense. I’ve since discovered that the show was canceled in early 2009 and that Blanks’ replacement was sourced from a reality show titled Fashion File Host Hunt. ‘Nuff said.

Photo credit: Omar Omar, via Flickr

After a year-long run of critic’s screenings and what a friend and I call “The Junket Circuit,” I have to admit that I’m quite the apathetic filmgoer these days. I hate to call myself a former film critic, because I don’t think the title is accurate at all. While I feverishly punched out reviews at my old job, I was often disillusioned by the process and frustrated by the quickfire pace of internet publishing. I myself don’t really read film reviews—maybe the occasional Andrew O’Hehir, Anthony Lane, or LA Weekly article, but not much else.

What the job demanded I do was keep up with every theatrical film release known to (wo)man, from Quantum of Solace to more obscure fare like Reprise, a really lovely Norwegian film that quietly came and went last year. The fact is, during my tenure as an active member of the film journalist cabal, however low on the totem pole, I was uniquely wise to how the game works. You start to see things differently when you’re privy to the special dance that critics and PR reps do, especially when you’re a part of the sometimes-sordid process.

I was also spoiled. Free movies were a given, as were afternoons at The Four Seasons in Beverly Hills, eating really good pasta salad, swilling Pellegrino, then chomping on a chocolate chip cookie while waiting to interview Colin Farrell. I would often emerge from junkets with a stupid or nonsensical story to tell, like smelling of Colin’s cologne after our one-on-one (we never touched, it was just that strong); trying to escape a roomful of pervy porn journalists at the Girlfriend Experience junket, only to run into Larry Flynt at the hotel restaurant; or sitting down with Gael García Bernal at the Chateau Marmont, listening to him speak about how purposely singing badly (in Rudo y Cursi) was kind of like losing one’s virginity.* Those were the days.

Now, I feel really disconnected from film. What’s coming out this week? You got me. Someone had to explain what I Know They Serve Beer in Hell was to me, and apparently it’s some kind of vulgar cultural phenom. This is due in part to the fact that I don’t own a television (true story), but more because I don’t really care. It’s like someone’s poured a vial of “I don’t give a shit” tonic into my morning tea. I’m not sure what caused the shift, but movies just don’t excite me very much at the moment, and they haven’t for a while. My Netflix account has gone from “long dormant” to “cancelled,” and I’ll only pay to see something if a group of friends wants to go. Even then it’s more about the pre- or post-movie drink or milling around the Arclight bookstore afterward.

All this cogitating came about because I noticed that Lars von Trier, a director who I’ve long admired, released a new film in the States yesterday—a movie I have zero interest in seeing. If you’re at all familiar with von Trier, you know that watching one of his movies is often tantamount to emotional torture, but at least they’re well made and say something about life’s absurdities, heartbreaks, contradictions, and on.

Antichrist I’m judging based solely on the violent descriptions I’ve read online. Usually I’m much more diplomatic about this kind of stuff, but do I really want to see a film about a child’s death, the parents’ psychological undoing, and featuring a climax (literally?) of genital mutilation? The answer is a resounding “no.” I just don’t want to go there. I don’t wanna.

It’s not that I don’t want to be challenged—for the love of God, I wish more movies were challenging in a good way. This just sounds like self-imposed cinematic flagellation, and after experiences with Salò, Irreversible, and Funny Games (both versions), I think I’m over the whole “shock tactics for profundity” approach. Antichrist may be nothing like any of those films, but as moviegoers we’re blessed with the power of choice. Sometimes you’re in the mood for Gomorrah, and other times you need an afternoon filled with perennially-rerun TBS favorites; I’m talking Back to the Future followed by She’s All That, and maybe you’ll luck out and catch Robocop on one of the basic cable stations around dinnertime. Not that I know anything about this, because I don’t own a television. Sigh. So right now, I want less Criterion fare and more British Elle, scoops of sorbetto, re-runs of the O.G. 90210, sunshine, bunnies, et cetera. Jeanne Dielman will have to wait.

On the other hand, there’s always room for more 90210.

*I think I still have the tape of Gael saying this. I hope I do. At the time, it necessitated several rewind-and-relisten takes because I really am that pathetic and helpless when it comes to hot, Spanish-speaking men.